Drew (dahoney) wrote in shrink_ology,

Going Crazy...

I'm gonna try to make this as short and simple as possible...I'm so glad I found this community! I searched and searched through other ones and this seems like exactly the type I was looking for.

Anyway, about 2 months ago, I went on this overnight field trip for a vocal competition with my choir. On the first day of the trip, this one guy I didn't know to well in choir began to take interest in me. So I decided to take interest in him (even though I was a senior and he was a freshman...I know it's messed up). Anyway, we ended up hooking up every day during the trip. From day one, I had felt used by him...Because he'd get me to fool around with him, then he'd go and try to flirt with another girl. I'd be angry for awhile but I'd soon forget about it when he wanted to spend time with me. I knew I was being used and while I didn't enjoy that, I felt so good when I was with him. I was totally falling for him...and I was seeing things in him that no one had bothered to see in him before (like...everyone i know pretty much hates him...except for me).

After we got back, at school, stories and rumors were being spread. At first I heard that he was the one saying it...I didn't know if it was true or not and honestly, I didn't care because I was used to having people talk about my relationships and stuff. I don't really care for it but it was just a fact of life at my school that people would talk. About a week after we got home, he still hadn't spoken to me since the last night of the trip...So I went up to him and asked him to talk and he said no. I figure now that it probably wasn't the best thing to do...We weren't alone and I was still bitter...

I let a few weeks past. In that time, he started flirting with all these other girls again and got no where. For awhile I was too angry to look at him...but after those few weeks, we started looking at each other again. No words were exchanged...but we'd just stare at each other...Like we both wanted to say something but we never really got the chance because we were never alone and we were both afraid of what the other would say...

I knew time was running out...I was graduating and I'm leaving town next month so I knew I had to do something. However, we never got alone to talk. I figured that I would just go up to him at my graduation but it was so crowded that I didn't find him.

So that just broke my heart...I really wanted to speak with him that night and I didn't. That was a week ago. And in that week...actually, since the time we got involved, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. It's making me crazy. I seriously think that there must be something wrong with me that I'm not able to just let this stupid situation go. Once in awhile I try to forget about it...But then again, I know I had something with him and I don't want to let it go.

A couple of nights ago, a friend was able to get a hold of his screen name for me. I haven't used it...I've wanted to...But I'm just afraid that it'll be weird just randomly IMing him since we haven't had a good conversation in 2 months and everything...

Anyway, my main issue is that I just can't get over this...Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get some closure? It's the only thing I think about...I seriously think I'm alienating some friends...I know that eventually I'll move on...but right now I have a ton of time on my hands with summer and all I do is sit around and think about how I should have done stuff differently and all that...And now I'm even allowing myself to get depressed.

Sorry it was so long...I just had to get it off my chest. Thanks for letting me vent. :)
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