Lindsay (dramalinz86) wrote in shrink_ology,
Lindsay
dramalinz86
shrink_ology

hmhh

Ok..well I'm sitting here thinking..It's going to be very long becaus right now I'm very confused and scared..i'm 16 year old..well anyways..My best friend Rob Killed himself on June 29,2002.It was a year last month..it's been a struggle.since..

Rob was 20 going to be 21..I was totally head over heals since the day I met him..he was my everything..whenever u would see me u would see Rob.I did not have a lot of support..I got put down and made fun of..and Rob was always there for me..sicne the age of 13 i was I guess different..At 13 years old I dated a guy that was 18..in that relationship I was mentally and physically abused.. yea..well anyways..it lasted almost 2 years..sicne then.I Have no self confidence..I do'nt know what it was but Rob was always there giving me a shoulder to cry on he was my best friend..when I od..in 8th grade Rob was the only oen that came and visted me. and so on..he believed in me..Rob told me when I turned 16..he would be with me..if I still wanted to..no question I did..but anways..

that all changed..I had a date that night..and he told me to call him when I got home..I did.. and I found out..he shot himeslf in the head..no answers why ora nything..Rob always told me..that is the easy wayt out..it's the simple way out..and since then I have not been myself.It's been a year yes and I'm not over it at all for some rason..I mean I go to the grave many times a week and cry and cry..I blame myself for him killing himself because I feel like if I did not count on rob as much he would of been alive..

I'm dealing with depression now..and I'm dealing with life.whenever I had a problem I would always put it off..Rob was always there helping me out..i don't have that anymore..i don't know how to deal..

I have no SELF confidence..No support..and no hope..

my friends want to me to be able to trust I can't..because the last person I did..killed himeslf..

i have 3 people I trust with everything..my boyfriend..and my best friend michelle and my dad.. thats it..it's getting very hard..I don't want to live but I know I'm trying to prove Rob and my dad Wrong..because I'm stronger or so people think..

I don't know how to get over it..no one understands how much Rob means to me.I don't know how to dela with it..

it's like I'm giving up on life and I'm giving up on myself..I'm no longer happy..I fake it,no one seems to notice besides my best friend..I'm giving up..life is getting harder and harder for me..and I really see no point to live..I'm very unhappy and I only see one way out..but yet I'm living..I don't understand why i'm living and he is gone..

I know one of the main reason i'm living is for my dad..my dad has been another support since Rob killed himself.I stoped cutting for my dad and just recently started up again..I know it's wrong..but whatever..My dad hurt me in the worst possible way..my dad is very sick..he had a heart attack almost 2 yaers ago..And I know eh's not going to make it a long time..and he's smokeing on top of that..and it just hurts cause me and my dad promised..eachother if he stoped smokeing I would stop cutting..well I stoped and he stayed the same..

the other person would be for Michelle 10 years of a friendship that girl I go to with everything I don't know what I would do with out her..she's my hope and my joy..I'm lost with out her..but yet her mom hates me..I don't know..

and Brian..my love..he's my everything and has no idea how I feel because I can't open up..I have walls and so I don't get hurt..he's willing to be there for me..I just feel I'm going to loose him like i have lots everything else..I am in love with him..knowing he doies not know I'm cutting he's going to be very hurt..

I don't believe in god..because i feel if he was real..he would of saved my best friend..

deep deep insdie I know hers there I just don't truely believe.

I don't know what 2 do anymore..I'm soo confused.I want to know so bad why Rob did this..

I lost 4 of the cloest people to me..in 3 months all 2gether..

Rob he shot himself,keith died in a car crash,Sarah she od at a parry and Scott..He shot himself at work..this was all in 3 months timing..

I no longer have any idea of what 2 do..I don't want to be judged..because I'm not crazy..I'm just very depressed..and don't understand this..

Lindsay
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